Hello. This will probably be my last post in a while as I’m facing the TERRIFYING prospect of having no internet for a while when I move into my new flat. Say a prayer for me each night, please.
ARE. YOU. READY. TO. FACE. THE. MUSIC? Yes mate, I am, but are you? You sound like you need a lie down.
Jamie was up first this week, doing a piss-poor version of a piss-poor song, Radio Gaga. Throwing your fist in the air doesn’t make you a rockstar, Jamie, and nor does your totally individual hairstyle. Fuck off back to the pub where you sing Sex On Fire every Sunday night for a dozen or so easily pleased London cunts, you smarmy, smug git.
Lloyd was up next, doing a piss-poor imitation of Queen doing a piss-poor imitation of Elvis. It was shit, but not quite as shit as he normally is. Still shit, though. Putting Jamie and Lloyd on first would have been a stroke of genius if someone had told me before the show started. I could have filled out my tax return or unclogged the bath plug instead.
Olly is normally decent enough, in a ‘here’s a cheesy version of a Beatles song’ kind of way, but he fucked up big time with Don’t Stop Me Now, a song that he should really have nailed. Still he’s got enough support from single mothers to keep him out of the bottom two.
Joe is a good singer, you can’t deny that. Probably the strongest in the competition, and he seems a nice enough lad even if I’m not entirely sure where he ends and Cheryl Kerl begins. He was very good but he’s still dull.
Lucie was next… what? Jedward? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I DEMAND LUCIE BE PUT BACK IN, OR I’M NEVER WATCHING THE SHOW AGAI- ah fuck it, okay I’ll watch it anyway… Jedward were, of course, stunningly good. Like, actually good. The whole world should know about these two. From the moment that one of them nearly fell over to the moment that Calvin Harris ran onstage with a pineapple this performance was solid gold, and here’s hoping they entertain us for many weeks to come.
Stacey was next, right? My friend, referring to Miss Solomon’s horselike features, said ‘they should have just used horse tranquiliser on her, so that we wouldn’t have to listen to this’, and quick as a flash I replied ‘it could have been worse, she could have ketamimed.’ HAHAHAHAHAHA. Read that joke again. And again. Bow down to me. Now read it again.
Finally, Danyl sang something, possibly We Are The Champions, but at this point there was some chicken going cold so I was distracted while I dealt with that.
And so, onto the results show. Shakira was fantastic, easily the best performance from any guest so far this series, but the group song, Bohemian Rhapsody, was absolutely slaughtered, even though it was recorded and mimed. I hope I never have to hear it again.
Then it was time for the annual X-Factor charity single, this time for Great Ormonds Street Hospital. It’s a good cause. They guilt-tripped the audience into buying the godawful song (Mickey Jackson’s ‘You’re Not Alone’) by showing us an impossibly cute little kid (okay, so he did look a bit like Sam http://www.excellententertainment.biz/templates/images/photos/Paul%20Zerdin.jpg) with an impossibly unlikely survival story.
The camera panned to the little guy during the charity single and the poor blighter looked like he was about to slip into a coma.
Wouldn’t it have been typical, after all the hard work put in by the staff at Great Ormonds to save the kids life, if he slipped into a coma and passed away thanks to Jamie Archer and Rikki Loney. They have a lot to answer for.
Finally the moment arrived, and the nation rejoiced when Jedward were saved for yet another week. The two that should have been in the bottom two last week, Lloyd and Jamie, were in the bottom two this week, and it went to DEADLOCK (dun-dun) for the 43rd week running. Thankfully Jamie was sent packing. He remarked ‘this isn’t the end, it’s the beginning’. No Jamie, it’s the end. See you down the Job Centre you bellend.
