I think I’m getting sucked into Coronation Street

This is it, isn’t it? The final chapter of my adolescence coming to an end. I’m already frightened and bewildered by such concepts as Skins and Radio 1 and I’d rather read a book than go clubbing… and now this. The moment that a young man decides he’d like to spend his evenings watching one of the two big British soaps is not a moment to savour. I can only assume that by the end of the year I’ll own a pair of slippers, a pipe and at least a couple of Grandkids.

Corrie has been on the TV in my house a few times a week since I was born. It’s hard not to have a vague idea of what’s going on, but I’ve never consciously watched an episode of it before. Now I have. Now I know all about the current lives of that guy out of Boyzone, that one out of Hear’Say, Linda Block off Dream Team and Lister from Red Dwarf. I now know that Ken Barlow isn’t the sweet old man he’d appear to be at a glance and that he’d rather be doing Stephanie Beacham from behind on a houseboat than being a productive member of society. I know that Steve McDonald is possibly the greatest soap character since Joe Mangel.

None of this fills me with joy. Last night I saw unfortunate Gail Platt’s latest husband drown himself like a big twat, and I didn’t change the channel. I saw Ken Barlow’s son (whose name I’ve forgotten) get so drunk that he couldn’t look after his little black child.

Some questions… where’s Jack Duckworth? What happened to Sinbad off Brookside? I thought Janice Battersby had been killed off, why is she still there? And finally, is Hayley pre-op or post-op?

I knew this would happen one day. Still, at least it was Corrie that got me and not Eastenders. Right?

Neighbours: Spoilers Be Here

I’ve not written about Neighbours for a while, mainly because it’s been so unbelievably shit that even the thought of watching an episode makes me want to throw up. Why do I persevere with this rubbish? Take today’s episode for example; The Kennedys and SUPER DAN™ have been at each others throats for weeks. So how do they deal with it? They go on holiday, where there will be no escape from each other. Terrific logic. Then they go on to play a board game. Right, because that’s never ended in an argument before. It was Articulate too. At least 10% of all murders must be attributed to Articulate.

Such lazy writing. I can’t write for toffee and I can barely form a legible sentence but I’m 100% certain that I could do a better job than the Neighbours writing team. The characters consistently act like complete idiotholes. SUPER DAN™ and the Kennedys are a doctor, a current headteacher and two former headteachers. N-Dubz they ain’t. So between the four of them I would expect they’d be able to figure out that going on holiday would be a disaster.

I expect that the current character assassination of Dan is down to the fact that he’s leaving the show. Again, incredibly lazy writing. They do this time and time again with departing characters, they completely fuck about with their personality and traits to make them fit into whatever ridiculous final storyline they come up with.

Last week Elle Robinson left the show. She’s been one of the few well-written characters in the past two years so it’s a huge shame to see her leave, but I understand why she did. She’s one of the few actors on the show who has the talents and the look to actually go somewhere. Still, the hurried way they sent her packing was a bit of an insult.

I can imagine the staff meeting… “Shit, Elle’s leaving, how should we make her leave?”

“Hmm, well, I was thinking that her incredibly rocky relationship with Lucas could finally break down and she could leave for another country to write for a newspaper”

“Not sure about that, how about she finds out a story which leads to her and a rival reporter climbing down some sort of dangerous shaft, but the rival reporter loses his footing and slips and dies and all that, then Elle can write a heartwarming article about him and how much she thought he was a great guy even though she thought he was dirt up until 5 minutes before his death, then the New York Times can get hold of the article and they’ll be well impressed and they’ll say to Elle ‘come work for us’ but then change her mind and send her to the Middle East for her to report for them there even though she has no previous experience of anything to do with the Middle East, politics, war or hell, even journalism.”

“Wow, that’s fantastic, wanna nip off for a few beers this arvo?”

“Sounds bonza”

…Then there’s Declan. Declan is being recast. ‘Why?’ I hear you ask. Well, because the writers say that he’s a very popular character and just because the actor who plays him is leaving they think he should live on on the programme and in the hearts of the viewers. Yep.

Recasting a character like that is… well, it’s fucking shit. Diabolical, even. He’s got plenty of reason to leave the street, they wouldn’t have to kill him off or anything like that, just let him ride off into the sunset with his ugly baby to live with Potatohead and Moonface. Everyone’s happy. Don’t recast him because you’re too lazy to think of a decent exit for the character. Especially when you’re happy enough to get rid of someone like Dan, where you change his character completely so he can walk out on Libby. THAT’S when a recast should be considered. Not when a mildly popular cast member decides he’s rather become a member of the army than work on the world’s shabbiest soap opera.

I’m almost through with Neighbours. I just need to find some other piece of shit to watch while I’m eating my dinner each night.

I can’t wait for Celebrity Take Me Out

Take Me Out is clearly the best thing on TV but Celebrity Take Me Out promises even more brilliance. Just imagine the possibilities. The nation could watch as Jordan carefully selects her next squeeze. We could delight in seeing Kerry Katona keep her light on for every male contestant. Handsome male bachelors like Alan Carr, Graham Norton and Dale Winton could finally meet the woman of their dreams in front of our very eyes.

If anyone from ITV is reading this, I’d like to get on board as a casting agent, please. Here’s my list of the 30 women that should make up the female contingent of the show:

Jordan, Kerry Katona, Jodie Marsh, Katia Ivanova, Nadia off Big Brother, Ulrika Jonsson, Danielle Lloyd, Carole Malone, Chantelle Houghton, Nikki Graham, Paris Hilton, Sarah Harding, Donna Air, Lisa Snowden, Girl from The Saturdays #1, Girl from The Saturdays #2, Girl from The Saturdays #3, Girl from The Saturdays #4, Girl from The Saturdays #5, all six members of Sugababes, Ivana Trump, Heidi Fleiss, Jackie Stallone, Jade Goody’s mum and Miriam off There’s Something About Miriam.

And the handsome male bachelors…

Alan Carr, Graham Norton, Dale Winton, Jimmy Carr, Alex Reid, Dane Bowers, Michael Barrymore and Gary Glitter.

Just imagine it. Take five minutes and just imagine the possibilities. Now.

Done? I would happily double my Sky subscription to see this come to fruition. Make it happen, ITV. Make it happen.

Celebrity Big Brother: Half-Term Report

It’s been a decent show this year. Fairly undramatic but funny, which is kind of how I like my Big Brother.

Nicola T: I’ve just bet a whole five English pounds on her to win the show. I’m convinced she will. I’m not sure whether it’s intentional or not (and it’s probably not; Stephen thinks that Nicola is ‘cunning and baffling’ but I think he’s reading between lines that have never been written) but she’s playing the perfect game. It’s the perfect combination of the last two Big Brother winners- Ulrika’s ‘boo hoo I’m such a good mum and I miss my kid and husband, I’m so sad I can barely function’ game and Sophie’s ‘I’m a model and I’m thick as shit but there’s no reason to hate me, look at the way I can burp and be quite laddy and I’m just like you really I promise’ game.

Vinnie: Vinnie will come second because of who he is, not what he is. The man is a gigantic arsewipe. Yet again we see pathetic high-school type bullying on Big Brother. I hate his little gang and the fact that all the entertaining housemates are being voted out one by one due to their nominations. Get bent Vinnie you ballsack.

Basshunter: He promised so much; the fact that he’s Nordic and all Nordic people are as mad as a box of tits and his appearance on Buzzcocks was suitably hilarious, but sadly Jonas has delivered so little. Anyone who gets into a Big Brother relationship is killing their chances of being entertaining and I think that if he hadn’t slung it up Katia things would have been a lot different. He’s got a week to redeem himself.

Stephanie: Stuck-up cow. Not fond at all, she’s not a hideous person but she’s no Samaritan.

Dane: Such a wet blanket. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up rimming Vinnie. A complete non-entity. I hope Alex destroys him. Speaking of whom…

Alex: A surprise. Don’t get me wrong, he’s an utter moron who is so easily lead I could probably convince him to trade all his worldly possessions for my broken down Rover 200 and a bag of peanuts but he does seem to be a half-decent guy. Still though, utter moron.

Sisqo: He’s alright, is Sisqo. He’s pretty misguided as to how talented he is and he can talk rubbish but he’s one of the few that aren’t jumping when Vinnie claps.

Ivana: Seems alright, still don’t feel like I know her well enough to judge. I forget who said it but it’s right that she has the life that Stephanie likes to portray that she has.

Stephen: One of the all-time classic CBB contestants. He’s kept the show interesting this year, just like Coolio did last year, albeit in a hugely different way. Like I said before, he’s like the human embodiment of Yogi Bear. He’s superb to watch but if I had to spend any time with him I’d probably have to kill myself. Having said that, this is possibly the TV moment of the millenium:

Take Me Out

Take Me Out is a new ITV Saturday night prime time dating show, presented by unfunny Northerner Paddy McGuinness. Think Blind Date for the Facebook generation.

The premise is this: a man tries to impress thirty desperate and single women. Each woman has a light. If she thinks that the man is a dick then she turns her light off. Eventually the women are whittled down to the final two and the man chooses which one he’d like to go on a date with. The following week we see the date, which takes place in “one of the most romantic spots in Manchester”. Classy. The dates invariably end badly and the couple vow never to see each other again.

On paper this is a hideous idea for a television show. Even 40-50 minutes into the first episode I was calling it the worst thing I’ve ever seen… but then something clicked and the true genius was revealed. Don’t tell anyone, but I actually like this show.

It’s classic car crash TV. It’s a pathetic, annoying, desperate man trying to impress 30 pathetic, annoying and desperate women, hosted by a pathetic, annoying and desperate presenter. And when I say the women are annoying, I mean it. They’re a selection of the chavviest women in Britain. These are girls who think that GSOH and WLTM aren’t abbreviated enough.

It’s not like they’re even that hot to make up for their appalling personalities. There’s one classically good looking girl, the rest look like the type of lass you’d see falling out of Oceana at 3:58am or the type of lass you’d see stumbling into a kebab house at 4:01am.

McGuinness has already spawned a few terrible catchphrases, including ‘FERNANDOOOOOOS’ (the ‘most romantic spot in Manchester’), ‘BRING ON THE GIRLS/BOYS!’ and ‘NO LIKEY, NO LIGHTY’. None are on the same level as ‘BRING ON THE WALL!’ but I still imagine that a few of them will be shouted by morons on their walk home from the pub.

In short, this is good old fashioned Saturday night tele. It’s trashy and it’s forced and ultimately it’s shit, but there’s something disturbingly watchable about it. Give it a go, it’ll make you feel better about yourself. You may have sunk pretty low (and you have, or you wouldn’t be reading this) but Take Me Out will show you that things could be much, much worse.

Neighbours, the week that was

Monday was the day we were all looking forward to. Monday promised a new beginning. Monday was the day that all our lives were supposed to change for the better. Neighbours was back and all of our Christmas and New Year hangovers were to be washed away by a sea of sunny climes, pool parties and bikinis.

Instead we were treated to…

The Deb Ball organisation… BORING

Gimpy Harry Ramsay being a massive gimp… BORING

A storyline about underage drinking… BORING

Saffron and Donna… BORING

SUPER DAN™ being inexplicably worried about a troll child hating him… BORING

Actually one of the worst weeks of Neighbours in recent memory. I know it’s only Thursday but tomorrow’s episode would need an Elle & Donna lesbian affair, Sunny’s horrific death and Harold’s return to bring this week back from the brink. I won’t hold my breath.

Hopefully as we near the season finale things will pick up. It has to, or else my teatime viewing schedule will be ruined. Seriously, Harry tried to illegally purchase alcohol from the bar that’s owned by and staffed with his friends and family. Jeez.

Celebrity Big Brother 7: First Impressions

Despite being a shameless Big Brother addict I’ve never really got into Celebrity Big Brother. I enjoyed last years, mainly thanks to the wonderful Coolio, and I loved the first series, but other than that I’ve been pretty apathetic towards it. This year has the potential to change that.

As usual it’s a mix of nobodies and err… lesser nobodies. So, here we go. It’s not like I’ve got much of an idea of what each celebrity is like as a person so I’m just going to massively generalise.

Stephen Baldwin: Within seconds of his entrance my Twitter feed was full of people saying ‘he looks a bit rapey’. He’s religious which bodes well for some sort of hilarious breakdown, possibly with a blackboard and chalk. He’s probably the worst Baldwin brother, although the only thing I know him from was the Flinstones movie which was by all accounts a piece of shit.

Prediction: Mid-runner

Nicola T: Like last years Page 3 girl (whose name escapes me) except not famous. Or attractive. Even the knee-high socks couldn’t rescue her.

Prediction: Out 3rd

Alex Reid: Potentially the biggest waste of air in the house, although that particular accolade is hotly contested. His claim to fame is the he ‘used to go out with Jordan’. Who hasn’t? Should have attempted to get Dwight Yorke or Gareth Gates instead. Or Andre, I guess.

Prediction: Cunt

Stephanie Beacham: Yeah she’s a reasonably big name but I don’t really care what she does or what she has to say. At this stage of the live show I was starting to think that it was going to be the worst line-up ever…

Prediction: Mid-runner

Lady Sov: But then Lady Sov entered. She should be a good’un. She looks like a chav, talks like a chav and raps like a chav… but she isn’t a chav. And if you say she’s a chav then she’ll knife you.

Prediction:4th

Sisqo: What an entrance. Possibly the best Big Brother entrance ever. It’ll probably be one of my TV highlights come the end of the year. If it’s not then TV will be unbelievably brilliant in 2010.

Prediction: 3rd

Dane Bowers: Had no chance of making a good entrance after Sisqo. He should have sang ‘Freak Me’ or fallen down the stairs. I don’t care about Reid vs Bowers, possibly because I don’t know who Reid is and possibly because Bowers is out of a one-hit wonder R&B boyband from the late 90’s. Just a hunch.

Prediction: 5th

Heidi Fleiss: Looks like a cross between Pete Burns and Simon Weston (post-burns).

Prediction: First out.

Basshunter: He’s a fucking nutbox. I can’t really forgive him for making my ears bleed with his disgraceful music but I can forgive him for being a fucking nutbox. If he’s not one 0f the most entertaining celebrity housemates ever then he’ll have a lot to answer for.

Prediction: Winner

Katia Ivonova: Meh

Prediction: Out 2nd

Vinnles Jonsles: Should be good but I have a funny feeling he’ll be a disappointment. We’ll see. He’s hardly a ‘British institution’ like Davina said but he’s still a big name and brings some much needed star-power to the show.

Prediction: 2nd

I think the series could hinge on the celebrities that portray themselves as having a big personality actually showing that they have a big personality in the house. Lady Sov, Sisqo, Basshunter and Vinnie Jones all talk the talk but it’ll be interesting to see whether they walk the walk or not. Well, Basshunter will. I know that for sure.

As for the task at the end of the show, well, what a massive waste of time. You would have thought that someone would have checked whether it’s possible to fit 11 people in a mini.

So, as usual it’s a mix of good and bad. Half-decent presentation for once but poor task-setting. Some good celebrities and some poor ones. It could swing either way- there’s enough personality in the house for this series to be a cracker, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Just Like TV Twitter Account

Hello. I’ll be tweeting from http://twitter.com/justliketeevee from now on. BYE.

Television Resolutions 2010

Here’s my New Years’ Tele Resolutions for the new year…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No of course not! I’m just being absolutely hilarious as usual. Here are my REAL tele resolutions for 2010…

1. Watch my favourite three TV shows from start to finish one more time… that’s Six Feet Under, Twin Peaks and The Wire.

2. Don’t spend a single second watching the diabolical Children in Need. Or the TV charity show of the same name.

3. Stop telling people that Charlie from Casualty is my dad.

4. Buy every season of The Muppets Show on DVD.

5. Finish writing at least one episode of my sitcom (which is shaping up to be the funniest piece of television since Big Top)

6. Befriend the actor Kevin Eldon and secure him as my best buddy for life.

7. Keep Sky+HD no matter how poor I get or how many nights I have to eat noodles or baked beans.

8. Don’t get excited about the new series of Futurama because it’s bound to be rubbish.

9. Watch the BRIT awards, love the BRIT awards, live the BRIT awards.

Heads or Tails

Heads or Tails is Channel Five’s new game show, hosted by unbearable tramp Justin Lee Collins (known as ‘JLC’ to cunts).

Despite having the word ‘or’ sandwiched between ‘heads’ and ‘tails’, Channel Five sees no reason to include a question mark at the end of the show’s title.

The premise of the game is this; a contestant says either ‘heads’ or ‘tails’. Justin Lee Collins flips a coin. If the contestant guesses correctly whether the coin lands on ‘heads’ or ‘tails’ they win some money. If they guess incorrectly then they don’t.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Jack, what’s the twist?! There’s always a twist!”

There’s no twist. That’s it. Try and watch it. Go on, try.