Unfortunately the latest incarnation continues the gradual decline of the teen drama.

I’m no genius, but by the end of the very first episode I had most character’s ‘story-arch’ pegged. You just knew there’d be some sort of romance between Mini and Frankie and you knew they’d all end up as good friends (despite the fact that no Sixth Form in Britain holds such a diverse group of friends, and never will).

The characters are utterly 2d. The 2nd Generation at least had a few stand-out characters, Cook in particular, that had some depth to them and that you could actually believe in. The metalhead, the sex-pest, the jock, the bitch… the characters are very little more than stereotypes, and when they’re given a bit of backstory or, in the case of Mini, frailties, it just feels forced.

What gripes me the most is that very few of the characters actually behave like teenagers would. The dialogue is so basic that most scenes aren’t just poor, they’re laughable. More snorts were raised during the eight episodes from bad writing than good jokes.

The last series ended with an evil psychiatrist murdering the boyfriend of a girl he fancied. If there’s one thing to be said for this series it’s that it’s taken a step-back from such rambunctiousness. However, it still relied on standard TV set-pieces and cliches. The finale was full of them- a desperate dash to the church to be on time for a wedding, longing looks flying between cast members, someone hanging off the edge of a cliff before being saved.

Chris Addison’s ludicrously, embarrassingly over-the-top character Mr Blood’s final line in the series was “we shall take no more part in this ridiculous melodrama.” And neither shall I.

Now I don’t know about you but fish and chips are my favourite thing in the universe. In fact, here’s my top three things in the universe:

1. Fish and Chips

2. Inside Soap Magazine

3. Kestrels

Go to http://www.insidesoap.co.uk for the list of participating restaurants and all the terms and conditions.

Fish and chips are the best. I strongly suggest that you bring your fish and chips home, put your feet up and watch Corrie. Or, if you’re mentally unstable, Eastenders. It’s two for one, but chances are that if you’re reading this then you don’t have any friends, but that’s fine, just eat both portions. Maybe stick one portion in the fridge and warm it up in the microwave later. Go on, treat yourself.

Once you’ve wolfed down your chips and watched Corrie, have a nice bath and read your brand new Inside Soap magazine. It’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.

+ +

=

I’m hungry.

Peter even comes complete with an adorable mop-headed child with a middle-aged man’s name, Simon. Poor little Simon. He’s finally got a mummy and it turns out that she’s a complete whore. I hope Simon gets so upset that Leanne and Nick decide to kill each other.

I prefer the following to Nick Tyldsley: Mubarek, Hitler, Piers Morgan. In fact, I prefer the whole judging panel of Britain’s Got Talent, including McIntyre and Hasselhoff. And I prefer every fucking cunt student that looks upon Hasselhoff as some sort of God. That’s how much I hate Nick Tyldsley.

I hope that Peter kicks the booze for good and gets off with Carla, mainly because I have a friend called Carla and her brother is called Peter, and seeing them together on TV creeps her out.

Elsewhere the world is a much poorer place without John Stape. He’s off to a mental institution because he keeps haphazardly killing people. Whoopsie! Fizz is a bit sad because her baby is small.  Sally is shagging a porn baron and Kevin is still walking around like a grumpy prune.

I’ve only just heard a story of my friend meeting Gary Windass ‘in real life’, on a night out. She didn’t believe that he was on Corrie, so got right up in his face and shouted ‘YOU’RE NOT FROM CORONATION STREET, YOU’RE JUST A GINGER TWAT’.

I think we can all learn a lesson from that.

Watch this if you want a good chuckle. Neighbours always manages to ruin tense moments with a comical piece of acting, and Lyn really takes the biscuit here with her slow-mo style ‘Nooooooooooooo!’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEYZFlQANEQ&feature=related

I’m so glad Steph’s been sent down, she’s a cow. Donna’s gutted about it, because in Neighbours-world (aka Bizarro-world) getting pissed and killing someone with a motorbike is a right good laugh.

BRING SUNNY BACK.

1. Watch my favourite three TV shows from start to finish one more time… that’s Six Feet Under, Twin Peaks and The Wire.

I just didn’t have time to fit them in between episodes of Coach Trip and Take Me Out. I will hopefully watch Six Feet Under again next year. I’m halfway through watching Twin Peaks again, but I’m just about to hit the ‘James rides around on his motorbike for six episodes, sulking’ point and my enthusiasm is waning. It feels too soon to watch The Wire again. I’ll leave it a few years. 0/1

2. Don’t spend a single second watching Children in Need.

I did watch it, and it was shit. Utterly shit. So shit that I actually wanted the children to suffer. 0/2.

3. Stop telling people that Charlie from Casualty is my dad.

NEVER! 0/3

4. Buy every season of The Muppets Show on DVD.

I’m poor, so I downloaded them instead. I’m going to mark that as a victory. 1/4

5. Finish writing at least one episode of my sitcom (which is shaping up to be the funniest piece of television since Big Top)

Have I fuck. Doing any sort of writing is difficult when you have Football Manager, Angry Birds, Sky+ and the entire internets to distract you. 1/5

6. Befriend the actor Kevin Eldon and secure him as my best buddy for life.

I missed my chance. He stood at the bar next to me at Latitude after Karaoke Circus but I didn’t say hello. Pathetic. 1/6

7. Keep Sky+HD no matter how poor I get or how many nights I have to eat noodles or baked beans.

Success! I’m looking at the box right now. It’s still shiny and it’s still got fun blue flashing lights and it’s still my best friend. I love you, Sky box. 2/7

8. Don’t get excited about the new series of Futurama because it’s bound to be rubbish.

It’s only halfway through but it’s not been bad so far, certainly better than expected, but still a pale imitation of its peak. I did get a little bit excited though, so that’s another fail. 2/8.

9. Watch the BRIT awards, love the BRIT awards, live the BRIT awards.

FUCK YEAH! 3/9.

That was a riot. I won’t be making any resolutions this year because all they do is highlight your failings as a human being. If I WAS going to make any then I’d probably promise myself that I’ll get off my arse and leave the house a bit more. But that’s just not going to happen, so I won’t.

Maybe I’ll apply for The Apprentice. I’ve not got much on.

Steph decided the best thing to do would be hop on her bike and drive as fast as she possibly could all the way back to Ramsay Street. Now on any normal street Steph would be lynched, but not here. The residents of Ramsay Street will shun you in the coffee shop if you beat them to first prize in the local vegetable growing competition, but if you drink-drive and kill a young newlywed with your vehicle of hate then FAIR DINKUM.

This is exactly what I despise about Neighbours. Absolutely nobody acts like a regular human being would. When it was revealed that Steph killed Ringo, Donna didn’t blame her. Oh no, Donna blamed Boring Kate, because Ringo saved her from being killed by pushing her out of the way. Clearly Kate’s fault. And now that Steph is facing a jail sentence everyone is on her side. ‘Go to jail, but why, what good will that do?’ Lyn asks, looking bemused. Get to fuck Lyn, you hag.

Steph, like a person in the real world, should go to jail for killing someone due to dangerous and drunken driving. Kate was against Steph, claiming that she had plenty of time to stop before she hit Ringo, but a few days ago she went to the scene of the crash and shockingly it wasn’t quite as she remembered it. So Steph didn’t have much time to stop before she hit Ringo, and therefore it wasn’t her fault at all! EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT SHE WAS DRUNK, KATE. Sam is back in town and she’s alarming everyone by TALKING SENSE right in their faces. Karl is on Sam’s side, happy to see Steph go to jail for killing someone that he thought of as a son, but Susan thinks Karl’s being an interfering fuddy-duddy. POT. KETTLE. BLACK.

Aiden Grimshaw
What I said: Forgettable.
Was I right?: No. Aiden was one of the most original contestants this year and, in the words of Dannii ‘Two i’s’ Minogue, he ‘put his stamp’ on every song he performed. He was eliminated way too early.
What I predicted: 9th.

Matt Cardle
What I said: One of the best voices in the competition. I have a strange feeling that I’ll end up wishing he was dead come Christmas time.
Was I right?: Yes, and yes. He does have a great voice but jesus he’s a dullard. He’s like David Gray if David Gray wore knitted cardigans and went to Bridge nights.
What I predicted: 2nd.

Nicolo Festa
What I said: Definitely the ‘love to hate’ contestant this year.
Was I right?: No. We would have loved to hate him if he had been given a chance, but he wasn’t. Follow him on Twitter now, he’s a genius. @nico1o.
What I predicted: 5th. Whoops.

FYD
What I said: Who?
Was I right?: Yes
What I predicted: 12th. (Or first out. Ding!)

Belle Amie
What I said: They were very good at Simon’s house but girl groups never do well on the X-Factor and I don’t see that changing this year. They look like a bunch of skanks. No girls will be voting for them.
Was I right?: Yes
What I predicted: 11th.

One Direction
What I said: With the other two groups out early in the competition, Simon and 1 Direction will gain the ‘underdog’ tag, which will suit them perfectly. They’ll easily make it to the final and I would expect them to win the whole thing. I think it’s between them and Matt Cardle and we all know what happens to solo male winners of the X-Factor (Who the fuck is Leon Jackson?). It’s all set up perfectly for a group to win, with Simon being their mentor and no obvious million-selling pop-star type in the solo categories.
Was I right?: Pretty much, apart from the whole ‘One Direction are going to win it’ thing.
What I predicted: 1st

Mary Byrne
What I said: She’s good but she’s not that good, and if she wasn’t a fat 50-something Tesco worker she wouldn’t have had a sniff at making the final 12. The sympathy vote should give her a pass through to the mid-way point.
Was I right: Not really. Mary did perform very well in certain weeks. She was better than I gave her credit for. But still, not all that exciting.
What I predicted: 8th

John Adeleye
What I said: He’s actually a very good singer, easily the best in this category, but it doesn’t seem like he has the personality to get him through.
Was I right?: Bingo.
What I predicted: 10th

Storm Lee
What I said: What a shitcunt.
Was I right?: Spot-on.
What I predicted: 6th.

Cher Lloyd
What I said: It’s alarming when someone as hateful as Cher Lloyd is only the 3rd worst human being in the competition. The Cher Lloyd story only has handful of possible endings and at least 75% of those involve her face-down in a pool of her own vomit with a needle poking out of her arm. Shit singer, stupid face, crap lyricist. She’ll still make the final weeks.
Was I right?: I think so.
What I predicted: 3rd

Rebecca Ferguson
What I said: My favourite by a country mile. Given the right song she could rival the previous best X-Factor performances (Rhydian’s Phantom of the Opera, Leona’s Summertime and Lucy’s My Funny Valentine, in case you were wondering). I don’t think she stands a chance of winning but all I ask is that she’s the last remaining girl in the competition.
Was I right?: Not sure why I thought she didn’t stand a chance at winning but hey-ho. First time my favourite has remained the same right the way through the show since Leona. Bravo, Rebecca.
What I predicted: 4th

Katie Waissel
What I said: Awful. Just a terrible human being. I haven’t been this hate-filled since Jamie Archer. She’s through to this stage without completing a single song, a clear ploy by Cowell for the viewer to feel sympathetic towards her and in turn, like her. Well tough luck Cowell, you haven’t found a Cash Cow in this bint. Nobody will warm to her because she’s an annoying, vapid, self-obsessed, vintage-loving, shit-eyelashed twat with no trace of a soul. Now fuck off.
Was I right?: Pretty much.
What I predicted: 7th

So there you have it.

JUST LIKE TV X-FACTOR 2010 AWARDS
Star of the Year: Wagner
Dancing of the Year: Wagner
Face of the Year: Wagner
British-Brazillian of the Year: Wagner
Sexiest Man Alive: Wagner

I feel as cheated as I felt the first time I had a ‘DELUXE boneless BANQUET’ from KFC. It was neither deluxe or a banquet. Coronation Street has served up the same style of box-meal. We were promised Four Funerals and a Wedding. We’re actually getting three funerals, and only two of them were a product of the tram crash itself. The 50th Anniversary Week has left me feeling angry and hungry for more. Hungry for blood. With KFC it was the blood of chickens that I was after; this time it’s the blood of that bloody lot from Underworld.

The week of episodes did satisfy in some respects. Though the crash itself was ever-so-slightly embarrassing in terms of CGI, the aftermath was realistic (except for Sally not being given a hard-hat, LET ALONE being allowed into an unstable building) and the acting has been, across the board, passable at the very least.

But still, something was lacking. Why not use this as a chance to get rid of a lot of the dead wood? It was a big enough disaster, if say, half a dozen extra characters had met their end I don’t think anyone would have complained.

It will be interesting to see where the storylines go from here. So many have built up to a climax and suddenly veered off into other directions, spawning many unanswered questions.

Will Tyrone find out about Kevin’s secret and smash him to death with a wrench?

Will Rita continue to find dib-dabs and cherry drops in her undergarments?

Will Peter find out about Leanne’s affair, smash her to death with a wrench then do Carla from behind whilst chugging from a bottle of Famous Grouse?

Will Nick’s facial expression ever change?

Will the law finally catch up with poor John Stape, leaving Ginger Fizz to raise her greasy 2/3rds of a child alone?

There’s plenty of scope for more drama, but Corrie needs to capitalise on it now. The 50th was a mixed bag, as expected, it could have been worse but it could have been so much more.

I’m off for a KFC.

I can’t say anything that Grace Dent hasn’t already said in this beautiful piece: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2010/dec/03/coronation-street

I’ve only truly ‘got into’ Coronation Street in the last year or so. Before that it was always my mum’s soap, something I’d watch because she was watching and I had nothing better to do. Neighbours always appealed to me more, because I’m a simpleton and I like flashing lights and bright colours.

I started watching Corrie religiously by default. I was living in Yorkshire away from my family, friends and any modicum of culture, so TV was the only way to fill my sad, lonely, pathetic evenings. Now it’s series linked on Sky+ and I can’t figure out why this hasn’t always been the case.

It’s the most realistic of all the soaps. It’s the one I can relate to most, even if I’ve had a decidedly middle-class upbringing in comparison to the residents of the Street. And it’s funny, it’s rare that an episode goes by without raising at least one chuckle. Steve McDonald just has to roll his eyes and give an exasperated look to have me chortling.

It’s not without its faults. There’s plenty of terrible characters. A whole heap of deadwood that nobody would miss if that fiery ball of tram crashed down on top of them this week. Most of the factory lot, the awful Nick, that bitch Molly, Ciaren and Michelle. And for the disaster to have the required impact I think they should kill one of the old stalwarts, preferably Emily or Bet and her stupid hotpot. As long as Norris, Steve, Becky, Graham, Roy and Eileen are left standing, I’ll be okay.

50 years is an astonishing time for any television show to run and I’m glad that it’s getting such a big acknowledgement, not just on ITV but on other channels too. Here’s to the next 50 years. I bet Ken and Deirdre will still be having affairs in the centenary year.

Now, if you haven’t read that Grace Dent article yet, what are you waiting for?

Yes, relentless dullard Ringo is dead, leaving Donna without a husband. How… sad, I guess.

So, Donna’s husband is dead. The same tragedy befell Declan when his wife Didge died. And come to think of it, his dad died too. Zeke’s dad died as well. And his mum.

Kate’s parents are both dead. Summer’s mum is dead. Tash’s mum is dead. Callum’s parents are dead, or as good as.

Ben’s dad is dead. Charlie’s mum is a cunt.

That’s quite enough misery for one little street. And that’s just the teenagers.

My idea: the writers put a little more effort in to writing characters out of the show. Crazy, I know.

I bet Rosie and Frazer don’t even show up to the funeral.